Friday, December 26, 2014

Recap

Just a blink of eye, another year passed. Another year I feel like I did not achieve anything I am proud of. What I am proud of is at least I have a stable income now. But in exchange, I notice my blog post is getting lesser and lesser. If you asked me do I have still passion in blogging, then I'll say YES I DO. But there are too many things I don't feel like sharing in this blog. Most of the stuff more on personal priority will be given to Dayre. In the same time, I guess I am not as desperate as much as I used to be. I no longer care about unique view. I no longer care about joining event or not. I no longer care how much I am earning from blogging. However, jackieloi.com will still continue exist as long as I am. As mentioned earlier last time, I am slowly changing my blog direction to Photography and also gadget.

Year 2014 is not a fun ride. Happiness, sadness, all in one.

I have not been working since last year Aug. There are alot reason but I think mainly also because everyone in my industry think I am not qualified based on my port folio. They are looking more in to someone who had at least 3-5 years experience. This is the cruelity in my industry. I gave up, I tried to look for other job which is not what I want. Yet, people who interviewed me asked "Why you wanna change job? Why dont go back to design?". I have 2 choices. Create a bullshit answer or, be honest. I chose the second one which resulted me every interviewer asked me go back do design. FML

Last year Dec, the things we all feared happened. Mum was diagnosed by Gallbladder cancer. It was reoccured. It was already on stage 4 when we found out. Since then, things changed in my family. I still remember, we went to celebrate her 47 years old birthday in hospital last year, right after her surgery. It must be a painful experiences for her. Who would love to celebrate their birthday in Hospital? Later, she started to take chemotherapy in capsule form, known as S1. It was widely used in Japan but not in Malaysia. We know that chemo was bad for body. Not to mentioned, the cancer was reoccured and chemo probably won't have much effect on it. Worth to note that my mum body inmnune system wasn't as strong as last time. We have no choice nor hope. Chemo was our only way to prolong her life.

After few month of chemo, mum gave up. She said it doesn't help at all and her body is getting weaker and weaker. She is becoming more and more skinny and the skin is getting more yellowish due to the the Bilirubin couldn't flow well. Hence, she undergo another surgery and this time, her body was attached to a empty packet to allow the Bilirubin flow directly through the external pipe. This causes her to have more and more difficulty to sleep on night. Soon, she developed back pain which causes by the muscle.

After been convince by mum and my family, finally this year Sept I found and accept a new job. It wasn't exactly the things I want but I think the company is a great place for me to develop more on my modeling and lighting skill. In the same time, I get to learn what is industry standard. On the same month, mum undergo another new theraphy, known as immunotheraphy. It wasn't cheap. We couldn't afford it. In d end we did some fund raising and it still wasn't enough. In the end, my uncle (mum brother) fork out a lump sum of money for her to participate the theraphy.

Time passed since then and we tod everything is in control. The cancer was not active (based on tumor marker) and mum seem alright except she was still getting thinner and thinner due to insuficcient nutrient on her daily intake. Somethings scary happened once on October. Mum usually will getting her breakfast on early morning and I'll greet her before going out to work. However there was a day on Oct I did not see her on dining table. She was sleeping on her bed and I went out to hang the clothes before depart to work. When I just about out, dad called her and she is not giving any response. Immidiately, I went to see. She really did not giving any response. She just lay on bed, not moving, eye keep looking on ceiling, not response to any of our called. Dad asked her wanna go hospital or not and then she keep mumbling "Let me go, let me go". We asked where? she continued mumbling the same things. It really does frighten me alot and I was thinking "Is she talking with God? Is she asking to go heaven?"

We send her to hospital shortly and doctor verified that she loss alot blood. The amount of blood loss causes a huge shock to the body hence, she is paralyze, not moving nor talking. We were relieved, but in the same time also worried what causes the sudden huge amount blood loss. Checked, no internal bleeding based on the scan. 2 days later, mum started to be able talk and move like usual. At that time I was wondering does she know what happen to herself? What is her feeling when that happened?

Since d incident, mum has been visiting hospital more and more often. Her body seem doesn't generating any blood. On November, I went to Penang for the Penang bridge marathon. Everything was ok until I received a msg from dad saying mum was hospitalize again due to fever. I did not asked much as my mum immune system are low and easily got fever. A week later after my Penang marathon, mum situation suddenly get worst. On Sat morning, she still seem normal. I even accompanied her to do CT Scan and doctor claimed there are no internal bleeding in her body. Again, we relieved but we still wondering what causes her body loss so many blood (FYI on the week she was hospitalized she already infused 7-8 packets of blood). After the CT Scan, I went back home to rest and return to hospital after dinner and that was the time my mum went to paralyze mode again, or we called semi coma.

Just like last months, she couldn't speak, move nor communicate with us. Her eye start looking up and only white colored part seen. My heart was so pain, so heartbreaking looking at her situation. I swear that I will never forget this moment. There are nothing much we can do beside just staying beside her until the next morning doctor came and told us mum liver function is failing due to the cancer. She can't last long and even with oxygen supply, she can only last few more days. That's the day, where everyone around her started to collapsed including dad. He cried and collapsed right in front our eyes..

On Monday morning (24/11) we transported mum back to home and take away her oxygen supply. On 4.10pm, she was gone, forever. Together with both of my uncle, I was late to see her last breath. We went out to undertaker shop to prepared her funeral and when on the way back, we received the call. We were late for five minutes.

I still miss her until now. I couldn't forget her suffering, the images were so clear in my mind. It has been a month and now whenever I went to visit her grave, I just couldn't help it but cried. We believe she is in heaven now, a better place with her dad.

It has been a year journey with her. She is very strong and positive. Her mental was really unshakeable. Unfortunately, not the body.

I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith.

One of the meaningful phrase from bible on her tombstone. Hopefully, she have a better afterlife now.



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